"Get up, come on wake up"
he pulls the covers off my body and a sudden chill hits me like a pile of bricks.
"I woke up at 6 yesterday, 6"
"Yeah well its good for you"
its always good for you.
Clumsily i pull on shorts and pet Rosie, while she howls at my existence.
"Sit, siiiiit, gentle, good girl"
She takes the treat and delicately holds it in her mouth while she retreats to the corner. I scoop down a bowl of cereal and try to prepare for the day ahead, then head to the shower mechanically.
The school doors open in front of me and I am engulfed in furious pre-class chatter.
A couple eyes follow me as I run my hand through my hair and consciously pull my jacket down. Forgotten. That's the only word to describe me. Forgotten.
Pouncing up the stairs I see a flash of crimson penetrate my view. Kelly.
Avoiding any contact whatsoever i steal into the classroom and collapse in my seat.
Why have i come to loathe her? Honestly I don't hate her, i do not even care anymore. I don't even care...
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I successfully log into the computer and a wave of complacency drowns me. I am lost in the day, floating among the halls like a ghost, waiting for someone to acknowledge me.
I am shocked into reality as i am welcomed with a government test that i failed to study for.I openly embrace the next 30 minuets of pure concentration.
That is one of the things I am good at, concentrating.
The other is withstanding pain. I am quite good at that too.
I know she likes me, but she hardly talks to me. Ah the trivial components of high school. And yet I feel so much older, I feel leagues beyond my fellow classmates and I know in my heart that I am. But she likes me, she likes me.
She approaches and smiles pleasantly. It is all fake, surreal and noxious, but i play along as merely a pawn in this elaborate game.
"ughh Chem sucks"
"can we...can we not talk about chem?"
"Okay sorry, what do you want to talk about?"
I pause
"Yea chem does suck..."
The classrooms blend together, slowly creating a sticky layer of tar infecting my brain. And yet i cannot escape them, they are all i see from 7 25 to 2 10. I know they are bad for me, boring me to near death, and yet i still visit them 7 times a day, almost like an addiction...almost.
"Luke, Luke wake up"
a repeat of this morning in 8th period
"I woke up at.."
I am cut off by a shrill voice
"Why haven't you turned in your Art project yet?"
"I'm working on it"
I am always working on it.
I walk out of the school with the daunting feeling that I am walking right into the start of another day. The frustrations of the day are not all released in this one act like they used to be. They are just piled on top of each other because the days never end. There are really no days anymore, just periods of time where we do or do not have school. Just repeated moments and intonations and feelings and sounds that rack my brain. Seconds upon seconds of mind numbing words that plague my deepest thoughts and most shallow desires.
"Hey fag, what are you doing today"
"Oh nothing, just hanging at home"
"HA that means you're lifting with me"
A hatred floods my veins, bright and hot.
"My bus is leaving ill see you tomorrow"
Arriving at home is a daze, a slow and tortuous daze.
It seems that any human interaction I have is dull, unimportant. I am lost in the wayside because of the familiarity of each conversation. There is nothing new, relatively, there was never anything new. Just predisposed articles of trash that litter the highways of one's mind. Like lame geese in the winter time. These feelings are magnified by the general dissatisfaction of myself. The self-degradation that has occurred within these enclosing walls is awe inspiring. And yet no matter what I try i cannot see myself in good light, or any light for that matter. So i gently waste away waiting for...well i cannot truly say what I am waiting for.
The days move to weeks and the weeks start to add up. If it weren't for this computer i wouldn't rightly know what day it was. The only things keeping me alive are water and the distant hope that one day i will break out of this rigid mold and search for happiness. For now i am sill alive though, enduring.
The weekends are a release, if not perverted and irresponsible. The days are filled with illegal herbs and fattening foods, while the nights are soaked with whiskey and beer. They consume my conscience, and make me question whether it is worth those brief moments of ecstasy. Of course the teachers and parents and websites and data will tell you that it is all bad for you, it is all damaging to you in ways not even imaginable. Then why do the surges of happiness and blissful dementia always serve there purposes? Always right the wrongs growing like spores in my head.
"Dude,are you alright?"
Alex, the always concerned friend asks as he massacres a chewy bar.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine just tired"
The words pass through his mind like the rain pitter-pattering on the window.
"Are you Bored?"
"Unimaginably"
The conversation is over, the silence filled with empty words of no significance, usually pertaining to the issue of women.
"Dude, i dunno man i just think you should wait and make everything better, yah no?"
"Yeah, i just don't think..."
I slip off into her world. She baffles me, and yet mesmerizes me with her dazzling smile and soft warm scent. She reminds me of what i should be like, what I would be like if I tried at anything anymore. But everything seems so manufactured, so artificial and insincere, it almost makes me sick. Maybe that is part of the attraction.
The information impressed upon me in school slowly slides off my pallet like dew on a warm winter morning. The lack of energy to do any work, to be productive anymore astounds me, and i watch as i see my body grow and my mind shrink. Third period rolls around and that means one thing.
"Hi there"
Her clear blue eyes penetrate me as she smiles and yawns
"Hey what's up?"
no response
"So how was your weekend?"
she cranes her head backwards at an uncomfortable angle and laughs
"alright...I did stuff"
She gives me a crossing look that implies something beyond her beautiful laugh.
I cannot help but think.
"You okay there?"
"Yeah, what was that look for?"
She immediately shifts attitudes, her face changing into an innocent shade of beige and her eyes swell.
"Nothing"
Nothing? Nothing? I am in love with you. I love every fiber of your being. From your golden locks down to your flirtatious kneecaps. I have tried to keep off you but you enter my veins and get under my skin until i cannot blink unless I think about you. But you play with my emotions unconsciously, benignly twisting me around your beautiful fingers. I am yours to bend.
Arriving home is when the waft of depression absorbers me. Filling every orifice of my body, plaguing my thoughts and my concentration. Home is when I am real, when i strip off the masks that i adorn starting at 6 30. To be released is the worst, to be free is to be alone, and to be alone is to be forgotten.
That's me, forgotten. People cannot see me, i am invisible. I am lost in the deep labyrinth of school, of thoughts and of myself. I am a stranger looking out into a flat and sighing world that rejects my movements, expressions and happiness. I am alone. Everyone is alone. One is surrounded, but their own singular thoughts are theirs, never to be shared or fully understood by anyone.
Friday night slowly approached with momentous anticipation, beating in my ears with invisible force.
My band is playing in a school concert. It is called coffeehouse and it happens every month. This month is special.
She is there, what a dreadfully wonderful surprise.
"Hello"
"Hey! You made it, this is amazing!"
"Yeah!"
She smiles and lifts her hands, then letting them fall to her sides.
Her makeup is lightly drawn around her eyes, her hair is tastefully done, her cheeks are rosy even in the dimmed room.
"So when do you guys play?"
"After Hellene, actually I have to go"
"Good luck!"
I take one last look at her beautiful visage and start to tune my guitar.
"Fucking amazing, cool as shit"
"Thanks Sam"
We embrace, the roughened hug that brothers give another after years of contact.
"Amazing job"
"You were amazing!"
"Hey, great show"
"Surprisingly Insane!"
I felt like the review of a movie. I guess i did have fun out there.
She came, I see her in the crowd a move my way to her.
"Hey, I can see you finally came!"
"Yeah, hey you did well!"
"Thanks!"
The plastered, manufactured words slowly drip off our mouths and hit the ground with dull force. And that is it. No feelings, just mutual boredom and silence that is acknowledged secretly, like some type of code.
"Where is she?"
"She's gone, left about 5 minuets ago"
"Well, you were spectacular"
" I looked like an idiot."
"No you didn't, you were great"
She squeezes my hand as we walk down the deserted and frigid street, breathe frozen in the silence.
"Thanks again for showing up, it means a lot."
"My pleasure"
We slowly walk down the road, turn and walk into the school. Her loving hugs and hand squeezes haunt my mind.
"You were always the one who got away"
I run my hands methodically over the empty lockers.
"Sorry" she whispers gently as she buries her head into my soul.
"Don't apologize, remember that time..."
I drift off into stories of our past, trivial and silly as before.
She stares into my eyes as I gently brush the hair from her angel-like face.
"I love you"
"I will miss you"
I lean in, close my eyes and our lips are sealed in an overdue kiss,
"Wait, Luke no, no we cannot do this"
"Fuck"
I breathed heavily for a while
"What am I doing? I can't be here, with you"
"I know"
She held my hand and I never wanted to let go.
"She is going to kill me if she finds out"
They always find out.
"You did, what?"
"I kissed her, well kinda"
Michael has a glazed look on his face, mild shock.
"You know what we are doing tonight, right?"
"Of course"
I wake up at 5:30 with an urgent need to urinate.
How did I end up in the bed?When did I take my pants off?
Why does my head hurt so much?I contemplate these questions while i move to and from the bathroom.
I look at myself in the dark reflection. Disgusting hair and waxy skin stare right back through the mirror. How could anyone kiss me?How...
Another stark day passes right by my eyes, cold wind slapping my face as I walk down the street. My phone is silent, but it speaks volumes.
How could one phone be my sanity? Be my social lifeline and mental stability. When it isn't ringing i feel a desperate lonesomeness, a physiological need to be contacted, even when I am sleeping. As I digress I feel myself being molded and fit for dependency on electronics, on mainstream technology, advertisements and media. When did being quiet, still or stress free become a thing of the past, an endangered species in the forests of modernized society.
I receive a text message at 11:12.
"Fuck"
"yes?"
"I can't stop thinking about you"
"Is that a bad thing"
"udbfaiweorfu idk"
"Well im sorry I suck so much, but what were you thinking about?"
"Yesterday"
"What about yesterday?"
"Stuff... :)"
"Curse you"
No response. A vacancy fills my stomach as I ache for just one more text message. Just one more sign that I matter to someone. No miracle, not this night.
As I reflect on the events of Friday night I realize what has happened.
They both like me.
One of them never showed it until that night, and Im sure will never show it again.
One of them is as fake as it can get, insincerity covers her face along with lipstick and mascara.
The thing is, I will forget her, I will forget why I took interest in her, why I wanted to want her so badly. On the other hand,
I will remember her, I will remember every minute detail about her face, every scrap of paper I ever wanted to rip in half because of her, every emotion that I had dashed by her. I will revel in her.
The weekend turns to Monday while i trudge through the hallways with an unbearable weight hanging on my heels.
Third period rises and falls, she says nothing to me.
"What was Friday night about?"
"What do you mean?"
We walk out of the classroom and she escapes my nervous grip.
Thoughts bounce through my mind, swimming into view and then disappearing again. What did I do wrong? Why could she just forget me like that. I need to lose weight. I am inadequate, fading into nothing, fading away.
Falling into my chair for dinner I have the weights pull on my shoulders, pressing upon my chest until it is palpable.
"Bull crap Luke, I can take one day off"
My dad takes a large bite of salad. He pauses, takes a swig of beer.
Standing up he shuffles over to the dresser in the main hallway.
"Peter?"
His eyes roll back into his head and falls backwards. The weight from my chest explodes,my dad is still falling. Deeper and deeper into the unclaimed abyss. His head cracks on ground and the pressure in the room increases ten fold. I find myself picking up the phone, dialing 9-11. My mom is on the floor trying to revive my convulsing father, beer foam dripping from his mouth.
"Maryland dispatch how may I help you"
The pounding of 1,000 drums is in my ears
"Yes, umm my dad choked on some beer-"
"No fish"
"No salad!"
I pause and am connected to the operator while my mom seizes the phone.
The room is spinning, my head is down looking upon my useless body.
"No its fine he just started breathing fine, but i would like for a doctor to come right away, thank you"
A tension builds up in the remaining air.
"Sorry I scared you buddy, alright?"
"Yeah dad, go lie down".
The room is frozen. All i can hear is the questions in my head. What if. What if.
